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Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Most days on my way to the Yeshiva, I pass a woman walking in the opposite direction.  She is about my age, she wears long skirts, gym shoes, glasses and a scarf that covers all of her hair.  I don't know her name, but we usually smile and say "Boker tov" (good morning) as we pass. 

This woman and I share at least one thing in common: neither of us invests much effort in looking pretty.  My own hair I wear long and usually overdue for a haircut, and the kippah perched on top of my head is not considered becoming around here (see my previous post on kippot.)  But a couple of weeks ago, I walked into an upscale beauty parlor, and on a whim I told the stylist, "maybe make it short."  Fifteen minutes later, foot long strands of my hair covered the floor, and my hairdo was as short as a boy's, as chic as a supermodel's.

The next few times I passed that woman, she did not meet my eye.  On the third day, as I passed her she said "תתחדשי", "renew yourself" -- the blessing offered someone who was received something new, such as a haircut.  With a start, I realized she had probably not recognized me until now; perhaps not surprising, as my own daughter did not recognize me the day I got my hair cut.  I happened to pass the woman again on my way home that day, and this time she stopped me and said (in Hebrew): "I was in a rush this morning so I couldn't stop, but I wanted to tell you that your hair looks terrific.  It is very fitting for you."

How delicious, this compliment from a stranger who covers every last strand of her own hair!  Israelis like to mind everyone else's business, and both criticism and compliments from strangers are common.  How especially sweet are the gestures of friendship from strangers in ideological camps different from my own!

A few days later, about 7 in the evening I got a call from a friend down the block.  "Come outside, there's a הכנסת ספר תורה -- a dedication of a new Torah scroll -- passing by."  My five-year-old daughter heard and was out the door before I could stop her, running down the block.  As I chased after her, I worried about my blue jeans, my short hair and the kippah on my head.  But when we reached the partying throngs, we were easily accepted into the crowd.  We followed the Sefer Torah nearly a quarter mile through the streets, singing and dancing all the way.  From the looks of the people at the front of the procession, I gathered we were heading to a fairly traditional Sephardi shul, and I marveled at how comfortable I felt.

About an hour later, I was standing on the steps of the shul trying to push through the crowd to return  home.  An older woman wanted to pass me to get into the building.  She did not realize I was also trying to get past; she thought I was just standing there, blocking the steps, and she said to me: "למה אתה לא נותן לנו לעבור?" "Why don't you let us pass?"  Translated to English, it seems an innocuous question.  But in Hebrew, all nouns and pronouns are gendered, and she addressed me as אתה,  the masculine form of "you".  I detected no malice in her voice.  She genuinely thought I was a man.

That moment did not exactly ruin the evening.  I still felt some wonder at the openness of the celebration.  My daughter was munching candies provided by the women of the shul, and we had both enjoyed the music and the march and no one was troubled that we were not members of their community.  Still, the sparkle was gone.

A couple of days later, on a rainy morning, I was wearing baggy jacket and rain pants, and an older woman innocently addressed me as "אתה", that masculine you.

I am a bold, kippah-wearing, feminist woman rabbi.  These days, I am avoiding wearing jeans in favor of skirts.  As soon as I have a free afternoon I plan to get my ears pierced.  Most of all, I am trying to figure out where in Jerusalem I could possibly purchase a more feminine looking kippah; something lacy perhaps, or something studded with rhinestones.

A Biblical injunction has been bubbling into my thoughts almost daily, emerging from my childhood:  לֹא יהיה כלי גבר על אשה, "A man's outfit must not be on an a woman" (Deuteronomy 22:5).   That particular verse hasn't been in my head for ten years at least, through countless interactions and friendships with people with unorthodox gender identities.  Just as a transgender person feels compelled to present as other than the gender he or she or ze was born into, I now discover that I feel compelled to present as the gender I was born into.

How complex the human soul!   I cannot explain why I suddenly decided to cut my hair short -- though after the fact I noticed that the last time I had hair this short I was also a yeshiva student, twenty years ago in the post-high-school program of Midreshet Lindenbaum.  I cannot explain why with long hair I could endure the scorn of strangers who could not tolerate a woman wearing a kippah, but with short hair I cannot endure being mistaken for a man.  Oh, I could write words that sound almost like explanations, but nothing I could say would really explain.  The streams of the subconscious are too complex, and sometimes all we can do is shrug our shoulders and laugh.

To quote my teacher, the head of the Conservative Yeshiva, Reb Shmuel Lewis: "Humans may be little less than the angels, but the G-d like task of imposing order on the chaos of our hearts – gadol aleinu!  It is outsized for us, it cannot help but put us face to face with our human foibles and the ultimate ridiculousness of the whole noble (and ennobling) enterprise."


  1. Don't despair! And don't jump to do anything that you don't really want - hair grows back quickly, while ears can't really be unpierced...

    And the woman that you see each day is right - your short hair really does look great! Surely there's some other way that you can feel more feminine? But if flowery skirts work until you can squeeze out a pigtail, so be it :)

    Keep strong! Try to remember all those things we learned in kindergarten about not judging books by covers, and remember that they apply to self-judgement, too!

  2. There is something about being in a new, yet temporary environment which triggers a process of introspection regarding belonging, ideals and appearences.
    Theoretically and technically we can "mimic" the local talk and walk, but it is fascinating to use the new environment to test the basis of who we are and how we choose to appear.

  3. 1. Are you a rabbi or a rabbinical student? Your bio says you're studying to become a rabbi, but in your posts you call yourself a rabbi. That's misleading and dishonest.

    2. What you write about trans people is inaccurate and offensive. "Just as a transgender person feels compelled to present as the gender he or she or ze is transferring into, I now discover that I feel compelled to present as the gender I was born into." First of all, it's called transitioning, not transferring. And how can you compare your discomfort being mistaken for not the gender you were actually born into, to the troubles of a person born into the wrong body? You can solve your discomfort rather easily, by changing the way you dress or what you do. Now think about all the ordeals a transsexual has to go through! Surgeries, loss of family, loss of relationships, infertility, loss of employment! It's really, really insensitive. FYI, a trans person will say they are dressing in a way appropriate to the gender they've *always* been inside, not something new they're deciding to try out.

    I think you should try to write more sensitively from now on.

  4. To the anonymous reader,
    Thank you for reading and thinking about my blog, and I am sorry to have offended. My intention in including that sentence about transgender people was exactly the opposite. I wanted to be clear that although I am very uncomfortable being mistaken for a man, I am not critical of people born as girls who choose to identify as men. Adraba, as we say in aramaic -- just the opposite, the experience of being mistaken for the wrong gender as a result of the shape of my hair makes me all the more sympathetic to those who are identified as the wrong gender as a result of the shape of their entire bodies. As you say, their problem is far more difficult to solve.
    As for your first criticism, the line about being a bold woman rabbi was intended ironically. That being said, given the number of people who, knowing full well that I will be a student for a little longer yet, nonetheless consider me to be a rabbi or even to be their rabbi, I think I can be forgiven if occasionally I blur that distinction.
    Ilana G-G

  5. Thanks for this post, the question of who we are is always before us our whole lives, whether or not we are noticing.

    But what exactly about pierced ears is feminine? Another body location to put "feminine" jewelry? So many men have pierced ears, in Western and other cultures -- does that make them feminine? And what exactly is "feminine," anyway? If it's a new jewelry location, how about filling up the others first before you make that much harder to reverse move of putting holes in your ears?

    I learned in a parasha class from a mutual friend, Leila, why she does not have pierced ears, though it is halachically permitted. Her father reminded her when she was a teen that the eved who refuses freedom has his ear pierced, and so she honors the precious freedom she has by keeping her ears un-pierced.

    But we'll love you whoever you are, whatever you look like. I agree with what Toby alluded to above -- al tistakli b'kankan, ela b'mi sheyesh bo.

  6. hi!
    that's a very interesting analysis of a haircut that i accepted in total innocence all this time! now i wonder why i grow what little hair i have long...
    i think you should try an arab style kippa - i'll bring one into the yeshiva. that way you're being feminine in a sort of masculine arab-muslim kind of way...